SL beginners: relationships in SL

It has been pointed out to me that almost anything you can say about SL relationships can be said about real life too. People may not be as they appear to be … just as they may not in real life. People may not have the same aims as you do, or want the same things from a relationship … and they may not in real life either.

There is a definite blurring of the edges in SL that doesn’t take place in real life, however, and of course a man who wouldn’t dream of dressing up in women’s clothes in real life and passing himself off as a woman, with a view to encountering a lesbian experience as a “woman”, may well consider just that when in SL.  It’s so common that lesbian groups in SL have rules about it.

One of the most important things for anyone to do in their first few weeks of SL, is to realise that culture shock afflicts many people. Lots of normally mature and sane people become very talkative in the first few weeks of SL. Most adult people in real life have a well-developed sense of what is appropriate to different social situations, and generally abide by those unspoken rules. Thus they do not confide to their child’s teacher that they believe they have contracted an STD, don’t regale a dinner party with the intracacies of anal pile cauterization, and they do not tell a carriage full of strangers on the way to work that they like to make love to sheep cocooned in bubblewrap and sellotape.

In SL, new arrivals often seem to have lost their sense of what is appropriate, all their psychological defences are down, and they will divulge the most personal and intimate details on the very least encouragement. They have the feeling that talking to other people is giving them direct access to the thoughts and feelings of the other person.  They are direct and honest and believe that everyone else is too.  Of course, this leads onto the second difficulty with SL: you never know whether people are telling the truth, or whether they are what they say they are. This may be superificial, in the case of people who develop goth/vampyre/furry/trekkie characters, knock 10, 20 or 30 years off their age or role play a gorean slave or furry.  On the other hand it may be more serious, for example, men playing women or women playing men. In my experience, a lot of men play as women, but few women play as men.

Some people in SL regard it as a game, and will take on whatever character, sex, age, sexual preference appeals to them this week. Some people think nothing of deliberately setting out to split up couples, or of briefly playing with someone’s affections and then moving on to the next target. They may employ a whole host of avatars and alts (alternate avatars) to this end.

Other people quickly get immersed in relationships which seem deep and meaningful to them, and treat everything in SL as though it is RL. Serious problems ensue if someone who takes nothing seriously gets involved with someone who takes everything seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything intrinsically wrong in playing with your age/sex/personality. I do think it is wrong to play with people’s affections, and most especially to deliberately set out to trap or deceive someone. Many people have discovered that what they thought was just a laugh, just a game, becomes suddenly more serious. I remember a woman coming into SL, and being convinced that the “woman” was actually a man. A few days after first coming into SL, “she” had an encounter with another woman in SL, who turned out to be just as male in RL. Up to that point, I think the sex change she had given herself seemed trivial and fun, and she couldn’t envisage any problems. Once she realised that her lesbian encounter was actually with a hairy trucker from Paris or similar, she/he was forced to confront a lot of issues about self and identity, honesty and deception. He decided to make a male character.

Once again, I am not saying it is wrong for males to play as females or for them to have a relationship.  It’s just that you need to know what you feel about it if that eligible mister turns out to be a miss, or vice versa.

Many people have the feeling that they have met their other half, their twin soul, when they meet in Second Life. Maybe Second Life is the medium whereby a lot of people are finding their true soul mate. On the other hand, it is very easy to take another person and to construct from the things you know about them and the things you hope about them, a mostly fictional person, who seems so perfect only because you have filled in the blanks with your own ideal.

Just as in RL, the safest way is to try to get to know the person before you make any commitments, and to talk! I have to say I recommend Skype over voice chat in SL, any day.

Taking stock of your own attitudes to relationships in SL, consciously, will overcome many of the problems that you might encounter.  Knowing whether friendships in SL will be SL only, or move to real life.  Knowing whether you are going to make and maintain a character of your own sex or the opposite one, knowing whether you plan to divulge your real sex/age/waistline to your potential partners … all those things help to straighten it out.

Making sure that you don’t divulge vastly more than the other people you are mixing with, trying to establish that any potential partner is aware of your limitations, and has the same attitude to SL relationships, and the same aims, will also help.

If things go wrong, try to avoid the temptation to delete builds and sulk in your tent.  Avoid sending hurtful IMs and emails if possible - always try to sleep on any email or IM which may hurt the other person.

Most importantly, try to enjoy the experience of meeting and getting to know other people in SL.  It can be the most marvellous thing to share experiences in SL, whatever the nature of your relationship.